Anger. It's an emotion we all have and feel. But how can we channel this energy into something positive?
My wife and I were raised with different parenting styles. My parents were more along the lines of the typical "cry-it-out" parent of that time and hers less so. My father had two emotions: "absent" and "angry". Not to get Freudian, but our parents' parenting styles have a major influence on our parenting styles. I have inherited/been taught to hold things in until its unbearable and then let it all out at once. This method has major limitations.
Imagine that you have a theoretical bucket, lets call it your brain bucket, and your brain bucket is where you keep all your emotions in liquid form. Each of us has a different carrying capacity in this bucket. When the bucket is full, the supports holding the bucket upright give away and it tips over spilling the emotions in a giant wave of energy. This method of dealing with stress/anger doesn't work for child rearing for several reasons. The first being that the first years of child-rearing are incredibly stressful and life altering. You are on-call 24/7. Your brain bucket is going to be nearly full for a long time, if you insist on filling it this way. Therefore any small additions will cause a torrent outflow.
A spilled glass of milk. A dog that destroys a shoe. A leaking pen in a shirt. You are about to leave the house and you realize the cell phone battery is dead. You are half way to work and realize that you forgot to put out the garbage, forgot your lunch, and are already 10 minutes behind schedule. None of these things on their own should cause anyone to 'tip their bucket' but when its running near full most of the time, its very easy. Having children puts you at your mental edge. You will get mad. You will get angry.
How do you keep yourself from breaking? I don't think there is any one answer, and I am still struggling through these issues myself. But what I can tell you is that there is a fine line between being a firm, fair parent and a strict, angry one. We need to provide our children with self-confidence and yelling or over-reacting is the quickest way NOT to achieve that.
One of the keys to positive parenting is to respect your children as much as you expect them to respect you. Imagine your emotions when your child yells or throws something in frustration or anger, you feel bad. You feel that your parenting to-date has been flawed in some way, that you did something wrong along the way. Turn the tables around and you can understand that a child who is subjected to an over-reacting, angry parent might feel that they are flawed beyond repair.
I'm working hard to reorganize my internal wiring so I don't short circuit and blow fuses. It's not easy. Especially with the pressures of being a husband, father, and physician bearing down on me. I don't think I'm hard wired, I think we all can change our behaviour patterns and I'm working towards that goal. Luckily my children provide me with lots of learning opportunities!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Sleep
The first, or at least second, question I always get asked about my baby is, "How is he sleeping?"
Well...he sleeps like...a baby! He wakes up to nurse. He wakes up to look for security and comfort. He wakes up because he's cold/hot/wet/poopy. He wakes up because of pain/discomfort. He wakes up because he just wakes up.
Yes, I am tired and I do get frustrated sometimes, wishing he would sleep better. I could label him a "bad" sleeper, and sometimes I do, but mostly I just remind myself that he is a baby, that I shouldn't and don't need to have expectations because it will only make accepting the situation harder. Instead I focus on 60% acceptance and 40% solution seeking. There's only so much one can do to help a baby sleep more and only so much crappy sleep one can handle. But at the same time I realize that no matter how many things I try to make him sleep more, it all comes down to his maturity and development...eventually he will sleep all night. But when you get to the point where everyone is just plain exhausted it's OK to want to change something, to improve things. Just because as Attachment Parents we prioritize our children's needs, does not mean we need to put our own needs on the back burner. This will only cause us to burn-out.
So, if you are finding yourself exhausted, beginning to feel upset, angry, resentful of the situation, take a deep breath and start looking for solutions. There are lots of helpful books and resources out there that fit right in with Attachment Parenting. Like anything worth doing in life, be prepared for it to take time, effort and lots of patience. But eventually, it pays off.
Some of my favorite books on baby sleep are the No Cry series by Elizabeth Pantley:
- The No Cry Sleep Solution
- The No Cry Nap Solution
The Dr. Sears' Parenting library also has some good reads on understanding infant sleep and finding solutions:
- The Baby Book
- The Baby Sleep Book
- The Fussy Baby Book
Dr. Harvey Karps' solutions for soothing babies worked well with my fussy little boy:
- The Happiest Baby on the Block
I recently came across a book by Dr. Cathryn Tobin that tries to prevent sleep issues by encouraging babies to fall asleep on their own from day one. She suggests that there is a critical window of time called the WOO (Window of Opportunity) where a baby can learn to go to sleep without putting up a big fuss. It is NOT a crying it out book, and it is not a sleep training book. The author simply suggests that in order to prevent "bad" sleep habits from forming, parents should encourage babies to fall asleep laying down wherever you are going to be having them sleep. This works well with co-sleeping, bed-sharing and crib sleeping. This book will be most beneficial to read before baby is born (although moms already with babies might find it helpful too!):
-The Lull-a-Baby Sleep Plan
For now those are the only books that I can recommend, from both experience and from an Attachment Mommy standpoint. I have tried tips and tricks from all of them, depending on what stage we are at and I am happy to report that my little boy (who is one today!) is sleeping better. Every day that passes brings with it improvement. We still have some nights with patches of sleeplessness, but I can tell things are on the path to improvement.
Some other things that have helped us have been to put baby to sleep before being overtired, using a white noise machine, putting baby to sleep in a grobag to prevent them from getting cold and using a black screen or curtain under their regular curtain to prevent early evening and morning light seeping through.
How about you, what books have you found helpful? Are there any tips/ideas you think might help others?
Well...he sleeps like...a baby! He wakes up to nurse. He wakes up to look for security and comfort. He wakes up because he's cold/hot/wet/poopy. He wakes up because of pain/discomfort. He wakes up because he just wakes up.
Yes, I am tired and I do get frustrated sometimes, wishing he would sleep better. I could label him a "bad" sleeper, and sometimes I do, but mostly I just remind myself that he is a baby, that I shouldn't and don't need to have expectations because it will only make accepting the situation harder. Instead I focus on 60% acceptance and 40% solution seeking. There's only so much one can do to help a baby sleep more and only so much crappy sleep one can handle. But at the same time I realize that no matter how many things I try to make him sleep more, it all comes down to his maturity and development...eventually he will sleep all night. But when you get to the point where everyone is just plain exhausted it's OK to want to change something, to improve things. Just because as Attachment Parents we prioritize our children's needs, does not mean we need to put our own needs on the back burner. This will only cause us to burn-out.
So, if you are finding yourself exhausted, beginning to feel upset, angry, resentful of the situation, take a deep breath and start looking for solutions. There are lots of helpful books and resources out there that fit right in with Attachment Parenting. Like anything worth doing in life, be prepared for it to take time, effort and lots of patience. But eventually, it pays off.
Some of my favorite books on baby sleep are the No Cry series by Elizabeth Pantley:
- The No Cry Sleep Solution
- The No Cry Nap Solution
The Dr. Sears' Parenting library also has some good reads on understanding infant sleep and finding solutions:
- The Baby Book
- The Baby Sleep Book
- The Fussy Baby Book
Dr. Harvey Karps' solutions for soothing babies worked well with my fussy little boy:
- The Happiest Baby on the Block
I recently came across a book by Dr. Cathryn Tobin that tries to prevent sleep issues by encouraging babies to fall asleep on their own from day one. She suggests that there is a critical window of time called the WOO (Window of Opportunity) where a baby can learn to go to sleep without putting up a big fuss. It is NOT a crying it out book, and it is not a sleep training book. The author simply suggests that in order to prevent "bad" sleep habits from forming, parents should encourage babies to fall asleep laying down wherever you are going to be having them sleep. This works well with co-sleeping, bed-sharing and crib sleeping. This book will be most beneficial to read before baby is born (although moms already with babies might find it helpful too!):
-The Lull-a-Baby Sleep Plan
For now those are the only books that I can recommend, from both experience and from an Attachment Mommy standpoint. I have tried tips and tricks from all of them, depending on what stage we are at and I am happy to report that my little boy (who is one today!) is sleeping better. Every day that passes brings with it improvement. We still have some nights with patches of sleeplessness, but I can tell things are on the path to improvement.
Some other things that have helped us have been to put baby to sleep before being overtired, using a white noise machine, putting baby to sleep in a grobag to prevent them from getting cold and using a black screen or curtain under their regular curtain to prevent early evening and morning light seeping through.
How about you, what books have you found helpful? Are there any tips/ideas you think might help others?
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The Yes Drawer
I have a very active, curious and stubborn 11 month old. He is always discovering where he can climb into and onto, what he can grab, pull, drop, and what he can open and close. Inevitably, this proves to be dangerous at times. I began to hear the word "No" coming from my mouth much too often, even I started getting sick of hearing it. What could I do to put a more positive spin on the situation?
One of Isaac's most favorite forbidden things to do was to open the bottom drawer in the kitchen. This drawer contained things like elastics, twists ties, recycling bags, other plastic bags, and some other miscellaneous objects. Objects which a baby should not play with!
So I decided to make that drawer his "Yes" drawer! I took everything out and found another place for things. I then filled the drawer with interesting, but safe objects he could play with. I put in container lids, a plastic colander, some spatulas, and of course some baby toys. It was an instant hit!
Now Isaac knows he can find something fun in there, he can also practice and perfect his skill of opening and closing the drawer. I am happy to report he no longer gets his fingers stuck!
One of the ideas supporters of Attachment Parenting find useful is to use Positive Discipline. Here is a useful site that has tons of info on the subject. There is also Dr. Jane Nelsen's blog (she wrote the book Positive Discipline).
The practicality of practicing Positive Discipline is often difficult, because many times we as parents don't know what or how to. It's always helpful to chat with other parents to find out what they might do. It's also helpful to read ideas. But most importantly we should follow our mommy (or daddy) instincts. When I do this, I seem to find myself viewing the situation from my children's eyes. It's useful to ask the question, "What would little Isaac like me as his mommy to say to him and do right now?" When this happens, we have taken a moment to pause, re-route our reaction and change it into a more gentle, more productive action. We have created a teachable moment. Which is what discipline is all about!
One of Isaac's most favorite forbidden things to do was to open the bottom drawer in the kitchen. This drawer contained things like elastics, twists ties, recycling bags, other plastic bags, and some other miscellaneous objects. Objects which a baby should not play with!
So I decided to make that drawer his "Yes" drawer! I took everything out and found another place for things. I then filled the drawer with interesting, but safe objects he could play with. I put in container lids, a plastic colander, some spatulas, and of course some baby toys. It was an instant hit!
Now Isaac knows he can find something fun in there, he can also practice and perfect his skill of opening and closing the drawer. I am happy to report he no longer gets his fingers stuck!
One of the ideas supporters of Attachment Parenting find useful is to use Positive Discipline. Here is a useful site that has tons of info on the subject. There is also Dr. Jane Nelsen's blog (she wrote the book Positive Discipline).
The practicality of practicing Positive Discipline is often difficult, because many times we as parents don't know what or how to. It's always helpful to chat with other parents to find out what they might do. It's also helpful to read ideas. But most importantly we should follow our mommy (or daddy) instincts. When I do this, I seem to find myself viewing the situation from my children's eyes. It's useful to ask the question, "What would little Isaac like me as his mommy to say to him and do right now?" When this happens, we have taken a moment to pause, re-route our reaction and change it into a more gentle, more productive action. We have created a teachable moment. Which is what discipline is all about!
Much love,
Sunday, June 20, 2010
What does Attachment Parenting mean to you?
For some years now I have belonged to an online community of moms. It started out as a way to find support when we were first trying to get pregnant and now, two children later, has continued into a motherhood support network. Recently, one of the ladies on there decided to start up a forum on Attachment Parenting. I thought this was a wonderful idea and quickly introduced myself and began posting there. It was very comforting to "chat" with other moms in the same mind frame as me. Moreover, it was really encouraging to see moms interested in beginning to practice Attachment Parenting principles. In a society that seems to expect "detachment" and the premature independence of our young ones, it was satisfying to see more moms jumping on board the less-ridden wagon.
Sadly, somehow our little forum did not escape the unavoidable mom-to-mom judgement battle. Soon enough there were posts popping up that criticized Attachment Parenting and even some individual moms' choices. There was some retaliation and well, it went on, back and forth. Most of the moms avoided the drama, me included. However, this little tiff got me thinking about how hypocritical it all was (I will explain why in a minute) and got me asking the question: "What does Attachment Parenting mean to me, to you?" The answer is very individual. Some may value certain things more than others and of course everyone has their own way of applying it to their lifestyle and family life. But, the beauty and the root of Attachment Parenting is that there is not one right way. In fact the words "right way" really shouldn't be used because there is no right way; there is just the way that feels right for you. Whatever you do to bond and form a strong attachment with your baby is what is right for you.
For me, Attachment Parenting is all about raising my children to encourage respect, honour, compassion, empathy, love and nurturance. In order to do so, I need to fill their little lives with all of the above. Most importantly, I need to model all of the above in my everyday actions, decisions and choices. You know how that little saying goes: "Practice what you preach." Raising attached children is all about what our children feel, see and learn from us. How we ingrain in them all of the above is very personal and individual, but the commonality between all Attachment Parents is the desire to believe, trust and follow our parenting instincts. In doing so, we do our best to make choices that will allow us to hold our little ones close while they need to be, in order to then be able to let them go when they are ready.
Therein lies the hypocrisy. Seeing the promotion of Attachment Parenting by some that could not themselves offer empathy, compassion and support, was heartbreaking because it fueled the skeptics' arguments further. For me, no matter what parenting choices other parents make, I do my best to not criticize. I may disagree with them, but I hold my tongue unless I'm asked for my opinion or advice. It's not always easy as sometimes the choices other parents make are hard to accept, but it's not my choice to make. I empathize with them and remind myself that they are doing their best, whatever that may be at the time. In my parenting choices and decisions I try to model a different way of doing things, if someone finds it useful, then great, if not, then that’s fine too. Sometimes I get asked to share more info and I happily do so. Most times, moms are relieved to hear that there is an actual parenting style for what they feel they should be doing. Once they realize this, the choices they had always wanted to make are now accepted and made, without any more fear!
In the spirit of passing along information and sharing the benefits and joys of Attachment Parenting, the Health Promoter in me became inspired to do something more. One night as I was finding it difficult to drift off to sleep, an idea came to me: to create an informal but informative workshop on Attachment Parenting. It took a few days for the idea to become real, but it did. Next, I had to plan the logistics of it all. From the moment the light bulb went off in my head, I knew it was going to take place at Nurtured and I hoped and prayed it would turn out that way. But of course April would agree, she is just as passionate about this as me! By a serendipitous coincidence another mom I knew was also interested in creating a support group for Attachment parents. So, we all came together to collaborate and start up an Attachment Parenting workshop series and support group.
Kudos to you if you have read my ramblings to the end!
What it boils down to is that it is my hope that this workshop and support group provide parents and parents-to-be with the information about Attachment Parenting so that they can then make their own right choices. I wish there had been something like this available to me when I was a new mom, so I hope it will be useful to those who need it. The workshop is planned for early July and the first support group meeting will take place soon after that.
I look forward to getting this show on the road!
Much love,
Kat
Sadly, somehow our little forum did not escape the unavoidable mom-to-mom judgement battle. Soon enough there were posts popping up that criticized Attachment Parenting and even some individual moms' choices. There was some retaliation and well, it went on, back and forth. Most of the moms avoided the drama, me included. However, this little tiff got me thinking about how hypocritical it all was (I will explain why in a minute) and got me asking the question: "What does Attachment Parenting mean to me, to you?" The answer is very individual. Some may value certain things more than others and of course everyone has their own way of applying it to their lifestyle and family life. But, the beauty and the root of Attachment Parenting is that there is not one right way. In fact the words "right way" really shouldn't be used because there is no right way; there is just the way that feels right for you. Whatever you do to bond and form a strong attachment with your baby is what is right for you.
For me, Attachment Parenting is all about raising my children to encourage respect, honour, compassion, empathy, love and nurturance. In order to do so, I need to fill their little lives with all of the above. Most importantly, I need to model all of the above in my everyday actions, decisions and choices. You know how that little saying goes: "Practice what you preach." Raising attached children is all about what our children feel, see and learn from us. How we ingrain in them all of the above is very personal and individual, but the commonality between all Attachment Parents is the desire to believe, trust and follow our parenting instincts. In doing so, we do our best to make choices that will allow us to hold our little ones close while they need to be, in order to then be able to let them go when they are ready.
Therein lies the hypocrisy. Seeing the promotion of Attachment Parenting by some that could not themselves offer empathy, compassion and support, was heartbreaking because it fueled the skeptics' arguments further. For me, no matter what parenting choices other parents make, I do my best to not criticize. I may disagree with them, but I hold my tongue unless I'm asked for my opinion or advice. It's not always easy as sometimes the choices other parents make are hard to accept, but it's not my choice to make. I empathize with them and remind myself that they are doing their best, whatever that may be at the time. In my parenting choices and decisions I try to model a different way of doing things, if someone finds it useful, then great, if not, then that’s fine too. Sometimes I get asked to share more info and I happily do so. Most times, moms are relieved to hear that there is an actual parenting style for what they feel they should be doing. Once they realize this, the choices they had always wanted to make are now accepted and made, without any more fear!
In the spirit of passing along information and sharing the benefits and joys of Attachment Parenting, the Health Promoter in me became inspired to do something more. One night as I was finding it difficult to drift off to sleep, an idea came to me: to create an informal but informative workshop on Attachment Parenting. It took a few days for the idea to become real, but it did. Next, I had to plan the logistics of it all. From the moment the light bulb went off in my head, I knew it was going to take place at Nurtured and I hoped and prayed it would turn out that way. But of course April would agree, she is just as passionate about this as me! By a serendipitous coincidence another mom I knew was also interested in creating a support group for Attachment parents. So, we all came together to collaborate and start up an Attachment Parenting workshop series and support group.
Kudos to you if you have read my ramblings to the end!
What it boils down to is that it is my hope that this workshop and support group provide parents and parents-to-be with the information about Attachment Parenting so that they can then make their own right choices. I wish there had been something like this available to me when I was a new mom, so I hope it will be useful to those who need it. The workshop is planned for early July and the first support group meeting will take place soon after that.
I look forward to getting this show on the road!
Much love,
Kat
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